dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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