apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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