I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
