so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
