he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
