i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
