Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
