Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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