I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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