I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
