my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
