I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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