you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
