MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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