my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize