Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
