even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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