She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
