I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
