While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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