Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Sorry about my life...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
