shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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