im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
