we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
