Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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