my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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