he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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