wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
