I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
