the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
