if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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