Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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