my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
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