Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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