Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
