had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize