everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
