Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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