Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
