look no pants
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
