I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
how drunk are you?
Several
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
