Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
