my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
