He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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