My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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