I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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