Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
