Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
