one might say we're banned from that church
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
