Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
