I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize