Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
and she was petting her beer can
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
