My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You took a bar mat shot.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
