I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
