i always forget guys have bellybuttons
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
