If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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