70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
