Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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