the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
