I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
