you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
