I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
