Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
