I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize