Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
