Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
